I decided to login because a friend of mine asked about a movie and I figured it was saved on this blog. I’m not even sure if anyone follows me or will remember who I am but I figured I’d post and update and with that I hope to inspire and make you feel like there’s hope because there is and things get better.
I’m now 19. I believe I was 16,17 when I had this obsession with being thin. A lot has happened in my life in 2 years. I never finished my senior year of high school. I got through the first half then left my mothers in January and was living with my best friend at the time. I turned 18 in March and by May had left my cashier job at the local grocery store and stepped up and became a shot girl at a well known strip club. Since I wasn’t in school my goal was to just have money. But now I look at myself and how I was a year ago and I’m so lucky I grew up. I was permiscious, loved alcohol and pills and hated food. What’s food? Na man. Cool kids do drugs and have fun. That was literally my mindset. After being kicked out of two of my “best friends” houses I got myself a roommate I ended up dating for roughly 10 months. I really loved him and he really loved me but some men choose to constantly fuck over and cheat on the only thing they have so that ended and sucked but taught me so much and I’ve been over it. I’ve been a “dancer” for a year and a half now. A stripper if you will. That is what I am literally. )Keep in mind a stripper and prostitute are two VERY different professions by the way). I love my job and even though I don’t come home with thousands of dollars like the movies say, I’m beyond thankful for it because I’m not sure if I’d even be alive without it. I’ve learned you can’t depend or rely on anyone but yourself. I’m 19 with the mindset of: you don’t pay my bills so whatever you say doesn’t mean shit. From where I’m from, everyone my age is still childish and immature and not on their own. So because I am on my own and a minimum wage job would not cover all my expenses, I get shit for it and I give no fucks.
I’ve learned to love my body. Being naked all day basically and being around naked women all day has taught me to love my body. I saw myself as huge before even though I was chunky and yeah, something was wrong with me mentally. But honestly I realized I was still going through puberty. I’ll never know if I could of lost the weight on my own considering it wasn’t even much. I’m three years older now and none of that matters anymore. I’m 5’3 and weigh about 120-127 and my thighs are pure muscle thanks to dancing. I have great boobs and a nice butt. I’m petite. You can see my ribs but they DON’T stick out and there’s no thigh gap and that’s great. My stomach however is the only thing that pisses me off and I know my eating habits aren’t normal. But I’ve never gone back to that point where I mentally told myself and controlled and programmed myself to not eat for a certain amount of time. I’ll eat about once or twice a day or munch on small things. And now since I got my period back. (It took 2 years) I eat all day and everyday the week before my period. And yes I’ll feel like shit about it but I still won’t starve myself. I’ll order a full meal at a restutant and eat the entire thing and not regret it because it tasted amazing and stopped my hunger. I feel like that’s a big step to whatever body problems I had with myself. I can’t tell you guys to be healthy because I’d be hypocritical then. When I was with my ex and didn’t go to work for weeks at a time, I’d feel fat and gross so definitely be active. I sweat all day and it works for me. Exercising doesn’t always have to be something you don’t enjoy. When I do stop dancing in the future once I get school done I know I’ll definitely own my own fancy workout machine or just say fuck it and keep a pole and just play for my man at night! I’m going to end this now. I hope this did something for someone. Thank you everyone for the messages. I’m going to respond to all of them now and my hope to this post was after you see a message from me you’d wonder who and click and read and not be so hard on yourself anymore. I know dancers who weigh 175 pounds and I still think they’re fucking beautiful. I’m not a size 0 and don’t want to be.
Feel free to message me any questions. I like them better when they’re not anonymous so I can respond to you privately and know you read it instead of me just posting the answer instead.
But yeah, that’s all!